Storytelling

2001

Directed and written by: Todd Solondz

Starring: Selma Blair, Paul Giamatti, lots of other talented people we haven't heard of

I saw Solondz's "Happiness" maybe 4 years ago, and it became one of my favorite movies. It's so wrong it's right. So outlandish it's true. So dark it's funny. The character development in his films are fantastic (take that, Inception), and every time you laugh, you feel bad about yourself. Maybe you feel better about yourself because these characters are so fucked up, thus making you not that fucked up. Maybe we're laughing out of superiority. Maybe you don't think this shit is funny--just sick. Maybe you watch with horror while people like me are laughing. I mean, what else can you do when a little boy forces his underpaid, overworked Mexican nanny to clean up a juice spill moments after she receives news of her grandson's death? Or in the case of "Happiness", how do you deal with the conversation between a child molestor and his son, right after he has raped one of his son's friends? I mean, what else can you do but laugh?

Solondz blows my mind. Solid screenplays, brilliant performances, and just the right balance of comedy and stark, profound, social commentary.

A

Eclipse

2010

Directed by: David Slade

Written by: Melissa Rosenberg and Mormon Idiot

Starring: Werewolves, vampires, and Kristin Stewart

Oh, you know...it's a Twilight movie. It's boring. They're pretty. Eyerolls galore. I wish these movies would really GO for it, you know? Maybe it's because the story isn't interesting enough to carry a super campy style, but I think they could do it. I want more pizzazz! Even WORSE acting! Swelling scores (no more Muse, please?)! Sex (fucking Mormons)! I want to see vampire limbs get ripped off, not shatter into lame sparkly little pieces! I want to see werewolves transform back into naked teenage boys! I want to see Kristin Stewart play with her hair and I want to hear R-Patz accidentally slip into his British accent. I want the vamps to still wear purple lipstick and have contact lens lines. Where are the sassy one-liners?

It's kind of like Hairspray. Or Glee. Both things I SHOULD be really into, given my susceptibility to gay shit that 12 year old girls like (BIEBER FEVER!). Both things that bore the hell out of me. They like energy. Self-reflexivity. All these teeny-bopper markets should take a cue from the High School Musical Trilogy--don't take yourself too seriously, and cheese it up! We love that! It's not like you're trying to win any Oscars. Right!?

C

Drag Me To Hell

2009

Directed by: Sam Raimi

Starring: Alison Lohman and Justin Long

Written by: Sam and Ivan Raimi

I rarely enjoy movies as much as I enjoyed this one. I was in the mood for a ridiculous horror film, and ridiculous horror is what I got. This gem is full of gross-out gore and cliche gypsy superstition. There's a scary old lady with gross fingernails, some yellow mucus disease, and a propensity to curse bitchy loan officers. There's a bitchy loan officer who we are maybe supposed to like, but probably not (I was definitely hoping she would get what she deserved). Her boyfriend (Long) provides supposed comic relief, if this was a horror film and not a comedy in itself.

Ladies and gentlemen, we've got a talking, possessed, evil goat who calls the protag a "Whoooooore", a puppet-master Jafar dance, projective nose/mouth blood vomit at work, and a staple gun to the gypsy's fucked up eye. What's not to love? If you're looking to be grossed out, scared, jumpy, and laugh until you cry, this is the movie for you.

Take that, Shaun of the Fucking Dead.

A